Thursday, March 31, 2005

Just Wondering.

“Poets often describe love as an emotion that we can’t control, one that overwhelms logic and common sense. That’s what it was like for me. I didn’t plan on falling in love with you, and I doubt if you planned on falling in love with me. But once we met ,it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us. We fell in love, despite our differences ,and once we did something rare and beautiful was created .For me, love like that has happened only once ,and that’s why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I’ll never forget a single moment of it.”

These are not my lines.I read it in a book...and left me wondering if anyone has experienced something similar in real life.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Conversation

Situation:- Jr and me watching TV and news about the Tsunami is on . Jr comes up with a couple of questions. I decide to take the philosophical path .(in other words a bunch of clichés) .*roll my eyes*

Jr: So will you die too?
Me: Yes , ofcourse …one day.

Jr: What will happen when you die
Me: er..I will go to God (cliché)

Jr: So when you die who will take care of me.
Me: God will take care of you. (more cliché)

Jr: But God is not alive either. He is made of stone.
Me: Not really...well, he is alive , but people cant see him—so they carve statues of Him out of stone.( some more cliché)

Jr: Ok ,but what do I do for money and stuff?
Me: *Thinking good question, but how the hell do I answer that now ??* Well, as I said God will take care of you and help you figure out a way to get money as well. (even more cliché!!) *sigh*.

Jr: So, will I be able to talk to God
Me: (obviously Jr is pretty determined)Yea ……sort of…..ok so do u want to check out nabisco.com and play some games (I had ran out of cliches by now so comp games is the best diversion)

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

The Perfect Moment

After a hectic and exciting day of trekking,exploring and experiencing nature at its magnificent best they found a place to spend the night. It was a perfect little mountain lodge-two storied structure made of wood ,very rustic, no hint of any luxury yet very cozy & comfortable. But they didn’t care for luxury anyway. They were as excited as two kids on a trip to disneyland....they would have camped out in the wilderness if they had no other option.They wanted to share and experience everything they possibly could since both were aware of what they had left behind .She had people back home who wouldn’t have allowed or understood this trip ,but she knew this was her only chance..the once in a lifetime chance to spend with him. Such opportunities don’t arise often—infact she was surprised that this trip happened at all. After this she knew she had to return to her old ,normal ,proper life-can hardly call it life, but she had to go--- she knew this was a dream and she got an opportunity to live it. She left home ,made up a nice story ,a believable excuse for her trip and left. She had two days to live her life with him,experience joy and pleasure and also the deep pain of parting. She loved this man deeply, she loved him with her soul, and when you love someone with your soul you can feel no sense of sin. All the differences disappear ,all common sense disappears ,all proprieties and improprieties disappear. And so this was their time together. They were appointed a room upstairs .Small room ,with just enough space for a double bed ,coffee table , two chairs by the window and a warm rug on the wooden floor. It was a warm ,intimate room.The window provided a glorious view of the snow-capped mountains ,the luscious greenery formed by the dense forests of golden oak trees ,rolling meadows covered with wild colorful flowers and the sparkling brook down below. Holding nature as their witness they shared a kiss. It was beautiful ,it was sweet and it was nothing like she had ever experienced. The darkness of the night enveloped their intimate moments ,the moments of sweet love and incredible passion..while the honeyed moon ,the winking stars and the somber mountains all played hide and seek between the clouds.She remembered waking up in his arms the next morning. She remembered how he slipped his arms around her , pulled her close and whispered “sweetheart look” and from the bed , her head resting on his shoulders and her arms across him ,she watched the sun rise from behind the majestic mountains and wondered if anything could be more perfect than this moment.

Monday, March 28, 2005

And I Wrote to a Friend…

Yes, Ian Wright,.he is the guy.He is my all time favourite. Once he did this show where he goes to Nepal after which I developed a huge crush on him. lolz!! Lonely planet sounded a lot more exotic and adventurous than The Globe Trekker .I wonder why they changed the name. Probably the production company changed. Well, whatever!!
And come on ..don’t be such a downer! Its never too late to realize a dream. I might produce a travel show for TV, you never know. There is a shortage of cash at the moment but as Woody Allen said "If only God would give me some clear sign like making a large deposit in my name at a swiss bank" I might go ahead with it and perhaps if you are still keen you could host my show. What say??

You are welcome to join the "bored to smithereens" club. I am out of work too and currently warming my ass ,fiddling with the computer/reading a book/listening to music/blogging etc etc.I have never taken a break of this length and it makes me feel restless and irritated. I myself would jump at the first offer of slave -work that comes my way. Till then I seem to have no option.

I haven’t watched a lot of sienfield or the simpsons to be in a position to ponder on the possibilities of brilliant comedy that might be born if Kramer visited the simpsons. .Therefore I shall willingly rely on your instincts that such a move would produce extraordinary comic results. As far as movies are concerned ,as you said ,its a free world and people are entitled to personal views but what I cannot comprehend is to regard romantic movies as being "dull"!!Techinically romance can never be dull. It can be ridiculously silly and sometimes beyond what normal intelligence can comprehend ,but not dull.

Havent read Douglas Adams' "Hitch hikers to the galaxy" yet. A few other people had told me to but never really got down to it. Got to get the book one of these days.Currently I am reading The Note Book by Nicholas Sparks and The Hobbit by J.R.R.Tolkien( I am reading the annotated version).The Notebook can be called a love story..it was made into a movie and got some great reviews here . So far it seems ok….but cannot understand what all the hype was about. The Hobbit almost reads like a history book but nice and fun. Anyway I alternate between the two and it seems to be working fine.

And hey! there is something important I want to tell you……….

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Dreamer

Windy day and summer rain due,
Carefree locks and sprightly attitude.
Walk down the road, under the bridge overhead,
Across Zebra lines to the Village Market ahead .
Yellow Tails and strawberry shakes ,
Motorcycle Diaries and Sweet and Sour Lays .
Cozy apartment , tea and lovely views ,
The radio playing nice country blues .
Lunch of fast food chips and burger,
And a short siesta thereafter .
Evening sky and girl ready for her date ,
Soccer in the park with junior and mate.
Back home for dinner and some TV ,
The day departed with some activity.
Hushed darkness, computer screen and keyboard tapping,
Jumble of words, secrets and uncertain ending.
Thought of friends, family and soul-mate,
Passionate adventures, road-trips and happy state.
With a smile all set for slumber,
Heard a voice tell stop being such a dreamer.

Saturday, March 26, 2005

News & Gossip

Mom called today .Got a couple of news

Dad not keeping well.

Cousin Brother’s marriage got cancelled….The girl apparently left home with her boy friend. For a minute I thought it was sad news...then I figured when you looked at the bigger picture—it was good news….atleast..good for her and good for him.

Cousin sis sent across “things to buy for her” list. Well, she knows, she is my fav and this is how she takes advantage. Smart Gal!

Back at the home turf…

My cold is back…damn!! Weather is screwed up and I think the stupid ice cream I hogged on yesterday are the reasons *sigh* .What is this?? Lifez simple pleasures are forbidden too now!!! God!... Give me a BREAK!!

Tried to fiddle around with my blog site ..add some extra features and stuff like that. Sad pathetic dial-up connection! slow comp! complicated HTML tags and an irritated mind---end result…..ZILCH!!.....blog make-over project aborted.

My friends were online…but didn’t talk to anybody. V send a msg across and I left it unanswered. A very unkind thing to do ..I admit it…apologies V. I didn’t want to mess up your day too.Got the regular C&H comic strip from R and the holi(Holay) animation….funny !funny! thx .

And last but not the least I feel like getting stoned but I barely know how to hold a damn cigg. Can I say the “F” word? *sigh*

Friday, March 25, 2005

Sweet Leaf ,Spotless Mind and Sleepy Day



Black Sabbath -a new entry into my tiny collection of rock music. Sweet Leaf is playing in my ears. Thx to V for sending the song across. Not as noisy as I expected it to be. Such a huge relief because I love the lyrics and I didn’t want anything spoiling it for me. Had a difference of opinion on the song's message. According to V ,sweet leaf represented one of those exotic smokable greens .Whereas to me, sweet leaf represented a person and that person perfectly fits everything that is conveyed in the song.
Check this out…

When I first met you, didn't realize
I can't forget you, for your surprise
you introduced me, to my mind
And left me wanting, you and your kind
I love you, Oh you know it


And my thoughts drift to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind !

Yea that’s the name of the movie I saw yesterday.Jim Carrey, Kate Winslet ,Christian Dunst ,Elijah Woods and a few talented others. Great acting by all. KateWinslet looked fabulous with her very colorful hairdo ,the blue and green shade at one point ,then tangerine orange and then all green. COOL!!Inspired me further to dye a couple of my wavy locks blue. Maybe someday….soooon.....till then accumulating courage for the project!

Coming back to the movie ,I would call it an offbeat love story. It revolves around destiny,love ,memories,impulsive decisions, and love again .The movie is sweet ,sad, beautiful, bizarre and sometimes confusing( but watch it a second time and it takes care of all confusions ) .But very , very enjoyable ,and refreshing to watch. Some of the visuals are terrific—particularly the frozen lake and the snow covered beach.-STUNNING!!

And Black Sabbath is still playing,,,

My life was empty, forever on a down
Until you took me, showed me around
My life is free now, my life is clear
I love you sweet leaf, though you can't hear
Come on now, try it out (the only line I wish to be removed!!)


And the movie…
It has an interesting concept :- the characters undergo some kind of medical procedure by which they can wipe away any undesired memory .As explained by the guy who plays the doc in the movie - “ there is an emotional core to each memory and when those cores get eradicated ,it starts the degradation and when you wake up ,you would have completely forgotten it and it would be the start of a new life”... ( left me wishing for a similar opportunity. There are a few memories I would gladly concur to be wiped out forever….er guess I just aroused everybody’s curiosity….well you will have to wait for future posts or maybe never..I don’t know…*apologietic looks*). Anyway inspite of undergoing the procedure, destiny had other plans and they were brought back together;one can conclude they were meant to be together. Just shows that science has its limitations. I am sure all the skeptics out there have a different view point. Well, I say go watch the movie and form your own theories and opinions.

And Black Sabbath continues…

Straight people don't know, what you're about
They put you down and shut you out
you gave to me a new belief
and soon the world will love you sweet leaf

Other than getting to listen to Black Sabbath ,I would classify today as a “sleepy day”. Not only because I was feeling sleepy most of the time ( or probably I was a bit low on life..I am not sure) ,but everyone I came across seemed off to me. All in all an extremely dull day. Only high point was a visit to the park with jr. Played our own version of football(well ,soccer in this land). His buddy from school was there too. It was cool….sweated out nicely for about an hour. Anyway I am off to Amsterdam…er…that’s where globe trekker is taking me today…*grin* THE BEST TV prog in the whole world me thinks…. watch it uall!! watch it!! watch it!!!

So Long!

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Writing!! And........Me???

And I say I want to be a writer….
Ok folks I dont mean to scare you but this is my current burning issue in life and today I am hoping to either psycho-analyze myself out of this idea that is causing me :-nail-biting , hair-strand- pulling and knee-jerking bordering on OCB(obsessive compulsive behaviour) or hoping some kind soul would type a few lines in my comment box and help me decide and put me at ease.
So here goes….
Although my overwhelming desire is to be a writer par excellence( only as a hobby), shouldn’t a prospective writer have some inborn , natural talent in her? Shouldn’t she be gifted enough to observe , listen , analyze ,decipher and communicate ideas and situations better than someone who is non-inclined towards the writing profession. Shouldn’t she be endowed with an extra eye for detail and clean, wax free ears that never misses a whisper , a curiosity that is perpetually kindled and the power to see humor and meaning in almost everything that life offers ?Besides being so super conscious,shouldn’t she be also blessed with an imagination that would give even the most popular soap opera an inferiority complex? Now, lets just say that she has all the above required qualities ,shouldn’t she be naturally talented when it comes to creating magic with letters and words. So what are the chances of a dyslexic( yea that’s me, almost , with my endless typos ,spelling goof ups , grammatical low points and sometimes illogical flow of ideas )ever having more than one message in her blog comment box, forget winning the Booker?? I am still looking for answers everyone.

Anyway leaving all my worries and theories in my box of dreams I decided to test the waters by trying a hand at blogging and began with high spirits and a truck load of enthusiasm .I dreamed of having a huge fan following with strangers telling me ‘hey interesting blog’ , or ‘ever thought about writing a book?’ etc etc.I was overconfident or naïve enough to think that ideas would simply flow and I would be tapping away at my key board till I drop from exhaustion inspite of my self-confessed partial dyslexia.*sigh* In the midst of all these thoughts of instant stardom ,I decided to read some blogs written by others and I am still debating whether it was a smart move or not! Of the blogs I have read so far, the writers are 20 something SW engineers or graduate students , all aspiring professionals and yuppies to be. Nothing would have prepared me for the kind of stuff they wirte in their blog ,their ingenuity in picking topics, their style of expressing ,the kind of humor they are blessed with , the opinions and criticisms they have voiced on issues ranging from books by authors I wouldn’t have dare touched ,to politics, films music , the human psychology and mysteries of life . I am completely and totally in awe of their intelligence, their maturity and their talent .In other words I am not sure if they inspire me or discourage me.
Now the point I am struggling to get at is that I am plagued with a feeling of utmost
insecurity and find myself at a crossroad where I have to choose to either give up my ambitions of being a writer(as a hobby) and be an ordinary citizen with blogs crammed with mundane niceties of my life or strive ahead ,triumphing over dyslexic handicaps and literary insecurities and push the frontiers of my literary proficiency.
I don’t think any amount of psychoanalysis is going to help me find any answers but all the power of intention and positive thinking within me is screaming that I choose the latter path. What say folks?

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

And the Game of Golf Was Invented

So Thorin went on:
“We are met to discuss our plans ,our ways ,means ,policy and devices.We shall soon before the break of day start on our long journey from which some of us ,or perhaps all of us (except our friend and counselor ,the ingenious wizard Gandalf) may never return.It is a solemn moment.Our object is ,I take it ,well known to us all.To the estimable Mr Baggins,and perhaps to one or two of the younger dwarves(I think I should be right in naming Kili and Fili ,for instance),the exact situation at the moment may require a little brief explanation…”

This was Thorin’s style.He was an important dwarf.If he had been allowed ,he would probably have gone on like this until he was out of breath,without telling any one there anything that was out of breath,without telling any one there anything that was not known already.But he was rudely interrupted.Poor Bilbo couldn’t bear it any longer.At may never return he began to feel a shriek coming up inside,and very soon it burst out like the whistle of an engine coming out of a tunnel.All the dwarves sprang up knocking over the table.Gandalf struck a blue light on the end of his magic staff,and in its firework glare the poor little hobbit could be seen kneeling on the hearth-rug ,shaking like a jelly that was melting.Then he fell flat on the floor ,and kept on calling out “struck by lightning.struck by lightning!” over and over again; and that was all they could get out of him for a long time.So they took him and laid him out of the way on the drawing-room sofa with a drink at his elbow ,and they went back to their dark business.

“Excitable little fellow”,said Gandalf,as they sat down again.”Gets funny queer fits,but he is one of the best,one of the best -as fierce as a dragon in a pinch”.
If you have ever seen a dragon in a pinch ,you will realize that this was only poetical exaggeration applied to any hobbit,even to Old Took’s great-grand-uncle Bullroarer,who was so huge (for a hobbit) that he could ride a horse.He charged the ranks of the goblins of Mount Gram in the Battle of the Green Fields ,and knocked their king Golfimbul’s head clean off with a wooden club.It sailed a hundred yards through the air and went down a rabbit-hole ,and in this way the battle was won and the game of Golf invented at the same moment.

Src: The Hobbit by JRR Tolkien

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Today

Today I woke up with a nice feeling.
Today the tea I made was perfect.
Today I saw the sun rise.
Today I thought about home.
Today I remembered my first trip abroad.
Today I got mails from my friends back home.
Today I talked with you.
Today my friends were online.
Today I showed a picture I had taken, to my friend.
Today I skipped lunch.
Today a bird came into my house.
Today I listened to Wonderwall many times.
Today I took a nap in the afternoon.
Today I dreamt of rain, a cozy room and you and me.
Today I went for a stroll in the park.
Today I saw green grass ,blue skies and little people playing and laughing.
Today I saw a handsome dog passing by in a Beatle.
Today I snacked on chips and fanta.
Today I painted with jr.
Today I had fun reading The Hobbit by JRR Tolkien.
Today I cooked dinner and had icecream for dessert.
Today I felt like saying I “like” you so much.
Today brought a smile on my face.
Today was a good day.

Monday, March 21, 2005


The Pic!

Sunday Felt Like Sunday!

After a really really really long time ,Sunday felt like Sunday . I had lost all sense of weekends and weekdays. It had become 7 weekdays a week . Ever since I started my extended vacation and my gradual entry into hibernation ,the concept of weekdays and weekends had completely vanished from my life.
So ,today I decided to come out of my secure ,BORING ,cozy shell and spent half my day at the beach. The weather was fantastic, with the right amount of sun and cool(very cool actually and I was sorry I didn’t take my jacket) trade winds. The beach wasn’t too crowded and so it almost felt like a private beach( a taste of lifestyles of the rich and the famous!). I have been dying to get out and click around with my beloved camera and today was the chance. Caught some pretty sites and captured some lovely moments in my Cannon A75's memory chip. Well its not exactly the bestest piece of machine ,but it belongs to me and I love it.. I am proud of one particular pic and so shelving all traces of humility I am posting the pic in my blog.(ref The Pic!)

Life at the beach ended around 1pm and I got back home. After a quick lunch of rice sambar and curd, and a short siesta thereafter, I went to ISKCON temple( I used to be a Sunday evening regular but that too got temporarily suspended ever since I went into total hibernation). The regular and the not so regular crowd was there. Sri (my neighbour)and group was hanging out and had a short (clichéd) chat with them. I was a bit late and missed the aarati by a few minutes. Anyway paid my respects to the Lord(Krishna) and Guru(Prabhupada) and hung around for the short discourse by a senior American devotee on the Bhagwat Gita. Ok ,I must confess ,my mind was elsewhere(wish I could tell where but no idea!) and I haven’t the faintest clue what he talked about( infact I only remember hearing two phrases from his entire discourse-“bluejeans” and “sex” (God..do I have a corrupt mind?)and I am sure it was in some religious context but don’t ask me where and how) and hence didn’t gain any wisdom to share *sorry*

It was time for dinner(technically Prasadam/Prasad)and I joined the line of hungry devotees .An american devotee standing in front of me broke into a friendly chatter with me. We were soon discussing my name(for a moment I felt like an exotic creature *grin* ) followed by his adopted Indian name and a few other Indian names and their meanings. Phew!! I refreshed most of the Sanskrit I learnt in school.

Anyway finally reached the food island and I was blinded by the spread of yummy Indian(please note) delights…piled up my paper plate, and found a nice corner to hog peacefully. Almost immediately I lost my peaceful corner to a group of African American folks who joined me at my table(er ..only becos I was sitting at a table at the corner with five empty chairs around it*grin*).The oldest person in the group wanted to know what a particular dish was and since I easily pass of as an Indian (its an easy guess with my brown complexion and with all the attention I was paying on the food) he asked me if I knew. I said I didn’t as it was a North Indian dish and I am from South India. I expected the conversation to cease there but to my surprise he wanted to know more and I found myself enlightening him about my state and hometown. It turned out he has been there , lived someplace close and knows a few people I know(isn't life full of surprises?!?) and soon we developed a kinship only formed between just met strangers.

Anyway after a nice sunday of :-time at the beach, few great pics , a really, really yummy dinner, some blessings(I hope) and a couple of goodbyes and hellos it was time to head back home and look forward to more weekdays and hibernations!!!!

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Journey....

The train seems to be sticking to its schedule and she shuts her book ,leaves the music on and decides to enjoy the evening view for a while. The sun is setting in the horizon. After a while she smells food. Aha, dinnertime!! It's always a bit early in trains, but luckily her hunger always sets in early when she is traveling. Dinner over, most of her fellow passengers are retiring for the night. It's dark outside and almost dark inside. She looks out of the glass window, her face pressed against it .From the cool insides of her compartment ,wrapped in the warmth of her blanket, she stares out, enjoying the night view. She sees darkness, and then an occasional light -sometimes it's the dim street lights of a small town ,sometimes it's the flicker of a lamp form a tiny hut ,where she catches a quick glimpse of a family having supper and sometimes it's just glowworms that appear like falling stars. Staring into the vastness of the space outside, accentuated by the blackness of the night and the rocking sound of the train soothes her and transports her to a different world. She closes her eyes and feels herself flying through space, alone, liberated and peaceful. A sigh of contentment escapes her.

She must have slept off for she wakes up with a jolt. She checks her watch.Its 5.30am. She will soon be reaching her destination,soon be meeting him ,soon be shaking hands with him and exchanging polite pleasantries ,or perhaps it would be awkward filled with uncomfortable silence, like last time, more than an year ago...…she doesn’t know...she feels nervous and scared .Probably this wasn’t a great idea she thinks. But it's too late now.

The train is slowing down …lazily it enters the station and slows to a halt. It's utter chaos… coolies in red offering to carry luggage and bargaining their rates, vendors calling out "tea"! "coffee"! "biscuits"! "oranges"!,women in rags with tiny frail babies and small half naked kids begging for coins, hot breakfast being cooked in a kitchen on wheels-the chef a 15 yr old boy, a man selling glossy magazines and English paperbacks on a cart, travelers hurrying and scurrying, worrying about trains to catch and trains missed.

She gets out of her compartment her backpack and all and just stands there for a while, looking but not seeing, butterflies in her stomach, a weird blankness in her head. She is sure she is going to say something stupid when she sees him. Suddenly there he is, walking towards her. He waves and she waves back. She thinks he looks wonderful.


He is saying hi to her and is smiling .He looks like he is about to give her a hug. She smiles and says a hi ,and suddenly she feels good and comfortable. All her fears and nervousness disappear. They both shake hands. Some form of touch was needed. He asks if her journey was comfortable and she nods her head. For a moment they are only aware of each other. Suddenly the spell is broken and they realize they are still in the station, two “met-twice-now-but-known-for-ever-souls”. He offers help with her bags, she declines, he takes her bags anyway, she doesn’t bother to protest and they both walk out of the station, unsure what the future holds .


And her journey continues…..

Saturday, March 19, 2005


Amazon River At Sunset(Pic)

Excerpts from a letter

The rest of the day lies ahead of me unplanned. There is music happening in the background. I shall walk on my hands if you cant guess which song it is. I am no more sure if the system is playing it or am I singing it in my head!!! I need some tea or coffee but don’t want to move from here.I am amazed the effect songs can have on people. Atleast over me. Have you heard Life for Rent?There was a time when I was hooked on it. I used to feel it’s the story of my life. As though Dido is singing out my soul. lol!!! But now I have survived the song. Current obsession happens to be -you know which.
Sometimes I think this feels so idyllic ;listen to some nice songs ,read a couple of nice books, have coffee/chai when the mood arises, take a walk when you feel like it and just sail through life. But unfortunately ,I am occasionally troubled by the deeper questions of human existence…like:-‘Do I have a purpose in life??’ .Although I don’t get a straightforward answer :I convince myself that I do have a purpose and right now I am making my master plan, forming strategies, preparing myself, warming up for adventure soon to come etc etc. I guess any normal sensible person would conclude , I am making excuses for wasting time but I stubbornly insist I am PLANNING!!!.
Did I tell you I tried checking out some sites on The Amazon…Check out the picture attached. .Such a beautiful river!! But I intend to go to Tibet first and if possible build my nest there…(I am a bird suddenly) I shall be literally on top of the world !!!
There are so many things to do. A course in creative writing, travel, write a best seller, get stoned smoking weed just to know how it feels (even though I hate smoking ),etc etc.. .However the Big Q is Will there be time for all this? By the time I get into college , finish my course and write my first book ,what if I am old and stooping and too weak to travel or lose interest in getting stoned? God Forbid!!
I am suddenly experiencing an overwhelming state of utter loneliness. Must see some other life forms! Venturing out of my hive……(now I am a bee) *sigh*
Anyway....U take care.

Amazon pic src:
http://www.pilotguides.com/destination_guide/south_america/brazil/trekking_the_amazon.php

Friday, March 18, 2005

Sometimes....Just Like That.......A Love Song

Kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayaal aata hai
Ki jaise tu mujhe chaahegi umr bhar yoohin
Uthegi meri taraf pyaar ki nazar yoohin
Main jaanta hoon ki tu geir hai magar yoohin
Main jaanta hoon ki tu geir hai magar yoohin
Kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayaal aata hai
Kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayaal aata hai


(OST: Kabhi Kabhi by Lata Manageshkar)

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Specific.....Non-Specific……I don’t know !!

I didn’t think about anything specific today,I didn’t do anything specific today,I didn’t talk to anyone about anything specific today….today was a non-specific day.The only specificity was R was online and we talked for a while….again nothing specific….mostly about his presentation that is yet to happen….although I don’t have any specific idea what it is about….mainly because I wasn’t specific about copying powerpoint from the MS Office S/W(otherwise I could have gone thru his presentation)…..and then he sent across his conversation with a dude named Ed … techni stuff to be specific…..which again to me was non- specific as to what it meant. After a while of chit-chat with him which was non-specific in nature as I specifically mentioned earlier,I said I had to go out but didn’t say a specific good bye because I was non-specific if I will or wont get back soon. R typed a vague “take care”—although he wasn’t specific if it was good bye for the day. I left anyway ,vaguely specific!!!
I am here now specifically to post something in my blog ,but figured there was nothing specific about anything today and therefore I have nothing specific to write in my blog either.

Although I wish a specific GOOD LUCK to R ….may he rock A(his company) with his presentation!!!!

Thank You For Your Patience.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

And I Could Be Pretending......

Take a potato and some other veggies(whatever u like although I wouldn’t recommend anything green and leafy).Wash , cut and pressure cook them for about 10 mins.Meanwhile chop up one large onion,some ginger,green chilies and garlic(it all depends on how spicy u like your food).The veggies should be done by now. Take them out,drain out extra water ,add salt as required and squash them up.(use your hands). Fry the onion, ginger,chilies and garlic and when they are done put some curry powder,chilly powder,turmeric and coriander powder(maybe half a teaspoon each ) and then to it add the squashed veggies and sauté them around till everything is well blended and all the extra water is gone.Once cooled ,add coriander leaves (if u want) and give it a good mix. Heat up a frying pan, pour some oil, take small portions of the veggi mix and make shapes(round, oval or heart shape -if u are too much in love with life ie …whatever *roll my eyes*),dab it in bread crumbs and fry them(shallow fry would do if u are calorie conscious). Voila!! you have home made vegg cutlets.
In case u are wondering….No , I wasn’t posting any recipe but this is what I did today. Besides this I also vaccumed the carpet and then had to do the laundry (only because I was running out of fresh underwear..*grin*)

The whole point of this post is that this is my freakin productive existence 90% of the time.I am not cribbing…just wondering how I am surviving this lifestyle, but I seem to be.
R send me few lines from a song today(Pretend by Don Williams)…here’s a part of it

Pretend your happy when you’re blue
It isn’t very hard to do
And you’ll find happiness without and end
Whenever you pretend.


Left me wondering if I am pretending that every thing is cool and that I'll breeze thru all this expecting something great to meet me around the corner. *sigh* I don’t know. Maybe the good lord above has some serious plans for me to put me in this “extended vacation sorts” situation or maybe its just karma coming back.*yikes*.Whatever it is.. my eternal gratitude to some of my friends who never cease to crack me up and make my day a happy one without needing to pretend.*blowing out kisses* *smile on the face ,but about to cry*.

Baaah ..,stoppit u sentimental fool!!!

Anyway……….In case u care for a few laughs...

This is what I call goofy conversations:---

r: my wife expired on friday
r: saturday actually
r: no, friday it was
r: got a new wife the same day! ;;-)
sf: oh!
sf: no mourning period also hu??...straight went and got a new one
sf: what’s her name and model?....lol
r: there was a mourning period
r: for a few hours. then i couldn't take it nemore
r: went bankrupt end of day :-(
sf: ok
sf: hmmm--I can imagine that
r: she was SEAGATE 80GB IDE HDD>
r: ROFL
r: LMAAAAAAO
r: LOL
sf :-D ok ok
r: thats like a big boobs one
r :-D:-D
sf: yuck!
sf: guys’ obsession with boobs will never end!! *sigh*

**************************************************************************

sf: busy day hu?
v: yeah
v: small issue now
v: tell me
sf: I want to be on top of a mountain and feel the clouds touching my face
sf: there I told u..
sf: :-D
v: good idea
sf: yea
sf:but I am stuck on the third floor of my apartment---and all I can touch is a couple of branches of the tree in the next compound---that too barely
sf: doesnt life suck !!
v: it does
sf: why are u agreeing?
v: coz it is sucking here too
v: am on the 4th floor
sf: lol
v: in the middle of the night
sf: ok
v: talking to somebody who is 10,000 miles off
sf: and whom r u talking to 10,000miles away?
v: yeah
v: scott
sf: oh how romantic!
sf: lol

(short silence)
sf: gee can I talk to scott too---he must be a real interesting guy to keep u so engrossed
sf:-P
v: i stopped talking to him
v: irritating f#@*&r
sf: so much for nice guy scott...hmmm!



Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Unclean,Dirt,Filth,Grease,Grime,Soil,Stain=Grunge!!!!

And Eddie Veddar sings with passion and almost desperation in his voice
“I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life,
I know you’ll be a star
In somebody else’s sky, but why
Why, why can’t it be, why can’t it be mine
*sigh*

Here I am, a fairly recent rock enthusiast , listening over and over again to my tiny assorted collection of Rock music (thanx to a couple of charitable friends ) from Pearl Jam to ,AIC,to Nirvana and Pink Floyd etc etc…,all now occupying a permanent spot in my Real Player Media Browser. As involved as I am in my new found obsession, I decided to do a little research (err..not very extensive mind u..no time *apologetic looks*) and learn a little more about this form of music.No I didn’t end up in any library..but I did the next best thing ..I googled. and found some fascinating information.

Well, for starters ,Rock Music are of different types. They are classified as Alternative, Grunge, Punk, Hardcore, Metal, Nu Metal, Gothic, Crossover, and Industrial. Of all these the only type I have heard of is Metal….ie…….. just HEARD of it. *embarrassed looks*. However now I am familiar with another form of Rock and ie Grunge.Interesting name! Every time Pearl Jam or Nirvana or AIC is on, my Real Player displays the Music Genre as Grunge and I have naturally wondered what it is.

Thanks to my minor research, now I am a little more enlightened. It is a form of Rock Music which originated in Seatle sometime in the 80s , then a small culturally isolated town. Apparently it rained almost all the time there and as people had no option but to stay inside ,they began to make music in their basement ,channeling all their pent-up frustration into making muisc. What followed was small unknown bands playing their new music in small coffee shops and local clubs .With the birth of Nirvana and the launch of their second album "Nevermind" ,which became a huge success, Grunge music had finally arrived!! It was also sometimes referred to as “Seatle Sound”. (In the course of my reading I came across groups called Mudhoney and Green River and Soundgarden who many considered the founding fathers of grunge.)

Soon followed other bands like Pearl Jam and Alice in Chain to name a few familiar ones (the ones I am familiar with ie *grin*) It wasn’t just the birth of new form of music ,but a global cultural phenomenon. It was music for the new generation ,referred to as generation X and it became the new fad. There was even Grunge Fashion . Grunge music soon left small coffee shops and gigs in local clubs and moved on to huge shows, big money and contracts with giant record companies like Columbia ,Epic etc etc. The main reason why Grunge music became so popular was because it contained a lot of passion and the artists were very passionate about their music and the lyrics were often personal in nature .It reached out to the real life down in the streets and for many fans it touched their heart and was easy to accept.

However ,sadly like any other fad ,grunge music succumbed to sudden unexpected fame, pressure ,competition, and often undesired publicity which put a lot of stress on the artists, …like Kurt Cobain, Nirvana’s lead singer ( one heck of a handsome dudeand obviously talented!!) ,who was considered as the Spokesperson of Generation X .Three years after Nirvana came into the mainstream, it came to a sudden halt when Kurt Cobain was found dead in his home from a self-inflicted gun shot wound. He was only 27 and with his tragic end, began the decline of grunge too.
Over commercialization lead to a loss of interest and disillusionment among the artists who had pioneered the movement .The bands became notorious for their erratic working style and various issues within the bands all heralded a death for grunge .

In the course of my short research ,I tried to figure out how this music style earned its name “grunge”.First I checked with hyperdictionary.com and found the literal meaning of grunge….

Definition: [n] the state of being covered with unclean things

Synonyms: dirt, filth, grease, grime, soil, stain

Also….
grunge (n)

a type of rock music ,and a fashion for untidy clothes which was popular in the early 1990s
Src http://www.freesearch.co.uk/dictionary/grunge

So that would technically make it—Grunge Music=Dirty Music!! *angry outbursts* . *yikes* *appologies*. I really don’t understand why it was named “grunge”. Probably it was just another way of rebelling against the mainstream, accepted ideas and attitudes of the time. And the slogan goes..….. “Embrace Grime and Filth !!” “ Dress Grungy !!” “Play Music Wild & Crazy!!” ....*grin* *sigh*
Anyway on further research I found the name was given as a tongue-in-cheek term for the strong ,overpowering guitar sound made by the groups.
Well, whatever…..
All I know is I am lovin it !!!*big grin *




(For anyone who reads this post and feels the need to correct me somewhere or add further info please feel free to do so.)
Ref:

http://home.att.net/~grungehistory/grunge_history.htm
http://www.fahrenheit128.com/art_grunge_brief.htm
http://www.wowessays.com/dbase/ad5/blc175.shtml

Monday, March 14, 2005

Isn't it a Pity.....Love ,Hate ,Love..

It was like any other day...with little possibility of anything out of the blue or extraordinary or spectacular happening.I have grown used to such days...its become like a habit...I live with it ,I am comfortable with it.
Anyway chuck the philosophy......I got up very late today ,only because I slept very late the previous day*roll my eyes*.After taking care of some chores around the house ,I decided to get back to bonding with my pal Dell. The familiar screen of AOL msgr popped up as soon as I got connected to the net. It was a pleasant surprise to find V online. Send him a msg and soon we were chatting across continents.
In between I asked him if he could send me a song . He had access to some site from where he can download songs . I wanted George Harrison's Isnt it a Pity ..(one of those perfect songs).
V who is a 100% Rock loyalist/fanatic (take your pick) ,and thinks any other form of music is inferior, reluctantly agreed to check( he must have been in an obliging mood *grin*). However ,I suppose he couldnt accpet someone drooling over George Harrison over one of his Rock Gods!!.....he asked me if I have listened to Love,Hate ,Love by AIC(Alice in Chain). I am a recent Rock convert ,so it was no surprise that I had never heard the song before and told him so. He said he will send across the song and once I heard it I would throw GHarrison out of the window.*roll my eyes*.

I let that statement pass. After about an hour of patient downloading ,I finally heard the song. What can I say. The song simply bowled me out. The lyrics(u can find the lyrics here http://www.lyricsfreak.com/a/alice-in-chains/5937.html ),the music and the way Layne Staley sang it....Absolutely Fantastic!!! I later learnt from V that the guy was a druggie and that he was dead. ( I googled him and found that he died very young-34yrs *sad*).
Anyway as is my habit everytime I get a new song,I kept listening to it again and agian,to the point that I almost forgot I was online and talking with V. After a while I get buzzed and I come back to reality .I told V that perhaps we should talk tomorrow as I was in some other world and have lost the power to converse sensibly or something like that... *lol*. He said cool, suggested that I go lie down ,listen to the song and think about Layne Staley *grin*and we said our goodbyes.

There was a time when rock music wasnt anywhere close to my neighbourhood.It's a different situation now. I feel these songs carry so much passion and truth in them and the way they are sung affects you so deeply.....you start believing in it...you feel inspired by it.They are as swell as swell can be!! *lol*
However, I have to say V was wrong about one thing. I still dont want to throw George Harrison out of the window*grin*.They are all good songs-just that they differ in personality.Where one is very bold and passionate ,the other is sweet and innocent and there is beauty and charm in both.
Anyway thanks to V ,what would have been just another ordinary day ,became quite extraordinary.....I mean...I believe music has the power to do that.


And I sing myself out...

Isn't it a pity
Now, isn't it a shame
How we break each other's hearts
And cause each other pain
How we take each other's love
Without thinking anymore
Forgetting to give back
Isn't it a pity.....
(Isnt it a Pity: George Harrison)

(PS: V 's search for George Harrrison's song wasn't very successful and all I got was a 30 secs ringtone but thanks anyway V *lol*)

Sunday, March 13, 2005

The God of Many Things......

The God of Incredible Happening and Awesome Feeling
....finding you
The God of Overwhelming Love and Infinity Joy
.....getting jr
The God of Goosebumps and Sudden Smiles
....green mountains, gentle breeze, cloudy sky and sudden rains
The God of Simple Pleasures and Yummy Delights
....dosa sambar followed by a cuppatea *drool*
The God of Feeling Secure and Being Sane
....having M,S,and K
The God of Funny Times and Goofy Conversations
....talking with R
The God of Outlandish Dreams ,Adventures and Unconventional Thoughts
....chatting with V
The God of Embaressing moments and Awkward situations
....called to the stage to give a speech
The God of Turbulent times ,Despair and Healing
....those early years
The God of Loss and Sadness
....the thought of losing you
The God of Small Things
....getting my Masters *roll my eyes*


Highlights of the Day...



-Got a mail from my Hippie friend Fr. Pr(why did he have to be a priest !!*sigh*).Said he might be coming to US and if I am around then he will come and visit me. I am thrilled.


-V was online today.Surprise ,Surprise!!.Chatted for sometime.

-Saw yet another movie. Children of a Lesser God.Ok movie.Again about a teacher of a deaf and dumb school.He falls in love with a deaf and dumb girl and some of the challenges they face blah blah blah...The actors arent known to me,excpet I remember the lady who plays the lead character got the oscar or the oscar nomination for her acting.


-I made Channa(Garbanzo Beans) Curry.It turned out ok. Actually I am not a bad cook.Just a lazy cook.*grin*



Tought for the Day:
And a new day will dawn for those who stand long
And the forest will echo with laughter
Stairway to Heaven-Led Zepalin

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Just Another Day in Paradise.....

Woke up before sunrise..my usual time of 5.30am…washed up…made myself a cuppatea(microwave)…..too cold outside and still recovering from flu to go out to jog…..switched on my buddi Dell…no mails…on offlines…nobody online…sensed its going to be another ordinary dull day….read some blogs…left some comments….fixed some breakfast… the usual…milk and cereal and some toast with jam and butter….soon the house is empty….weird silence…decided to lie down on the couch….fell asleep …had some strange dreams….very fuzzy.....it was like having a dream inside a dream….got up in between…checked the time and found I've been sleeping for an hour… …sleep beckoned again….I obliged…..woke up suddenly….. checked the time again…it was 12.30pm….gees I had snoozed for three hours…got myself hydrated…decided to read something---picked up Ethics for the Millenium (yaaaawn!!) by HH the Dalai Lama….errr…..not that it’s a bad book…but it definitely doesn’t read like a novel….stuck to it for half an hour…abandoned it….put some music on…enjoyed it for a while…decided to go out to the supermarket….changed my t-shirt….didn’t change my jeans…wore my cap…and started walking….it was a windy day…half way through remembered that I had forgotten my card….went back to get it…..continued walking…..was crossing the road when my cap flew off(always happens)…chased it for a while…caught it…meanwhile my short shirt flew up…flashed my belly and back to a couple of strangers waiting in their car at the signal…one of those embarrassing moments….. all you can do is simply walk on pretending nothing happened…reached the supermarket…hung around and checked out some of the new Easter goodies on sale…. bought a couple of do'nuts from the bakery for 35cents each….walked back home….just in time for lunch and hungry enough….no idea what to cook…ate the do'nuts and some fruits….decided to watch some tv…a couple of talk shows… kept me occupied for a while…soon got involved in Oprah playing shrink to a couple with problems….suddenly the time is 3…thought could do with some chai….made a quick “cuppatea”….talk show over….husband and wife holding hands now….everything is honky-dory …wondered if I should mail Oprah and ask for help…decided not to.....brought jr home….had a chat with jr…me: do u like going to school….jr: yea….me: why?........ jr: becos I love playing at the park there….me: err…ok…..sounds like an honest answer…..jr ignores me soon…I don’t know what to do…should I try and cook something….decided to read instead….went back to Ethics for the Millenium…its not so boring….K is back…. had to fix something for dinner…watched Dangerous Minds…starring Michelle Pfeiffer…..nice movie…its about this teacher who brings hope and light to a bunch of kids who believed they had neither ……it exudes positivism ….everybody is asleep now …the house is quiet again…I am back with my buddy Dell….read some blog…decided to publish today's post in my Blog….read my post again….its 10.30pm ….realized that I spent 17 solid hours doing nothing in particular…pondered if I did anything constructive at all...yea I typed all this and posted it in my blog …I figured…. some where down the lane I might get mighty busy and this will serve as a reminder of my free days.!!! *wink * *grin*

Snooze time!!

This and That

Did you know....

Lalu Yadav(India's current Railway Minister) announced that bodies of patients who die while undergoing treatment in government hospitals would be carried at 50% concession to their hometown. (Is this because of the ever-increasing number of train accidents? ) [yikes!!]
Src:Asianetglobal.com

According to the BBPA(British Beer and Pub Association), a glass of beer with a typical 4.6% alcoholic volume, has fewer calories not only than a similar measure of wine, but also milk or fruit juice.

Beer (4.6% alc): 41 calories
Wine (12% alc): 77 calories
Spirits: 250 calories
Milk: 64 calories
Orange juice: 42 calories
Apple juice: 47 calories

And also"There's no such thing as the beer belly," says George Philliskirk, of the Beer Academy. "But it is an appetite stimulant and it's the fish and chips or curry that round off a night with a few pints that puts the weight on." [hmmm...]
Source: http://news.bbc.co.uk/ & BBPA


In the Spiti area of Northern India,it remains the custom for locals not to lock their houses when they go out .It is expected that a visitor who finds the house empty would go in and help themselves to a meal while waiting for the family to return. [not bad hu?]
Src:Ethics for the Millenium.HH The Dalia Lama

Friday, March 11, 2005

Possessive

Do I feel possessive about you? I don’t know.
However I am sure of a few things.
I am sure on how I feel about you,
I am sure what you mean to me,
I am sure nobody can “like” you the way I do,
I am sure I "like" you so much that I do not feel the need to be with you all the time,
I am sure I can feel your presence all the time anyway .

I am sure you will never be mine. But I think you are precious and if I get you then it may no longer be precious.( Owning something valuable normally diminishes its value –doesn’t it? )
I am sure about where I stand compared to others
I am sure one day you will say you found someone.
I am sure I will feel sad for a while
I am sure it will be my loss ,her gain
I am sure I will get over it eventually because I didn’t want to possess you anyway.
But….…..
I am sure nobody can “like” you the way I do.
Do I feel possessive about you? I still don’t know.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Being rude with a free conscience.

Its one of those days--nothing happend and no potential of anything happening either.
Went for a real long walk.Kept me entertained for about an hr and 30 mins. People watching is fun especially from behind sun glasses(it was almost 4.30pm but the sun was still pretty bright).They cant see me watching......its like being rude with a free conscience.

As I got out of my appartment ,saw Sri.Been a while since I saw him.He seemed to be in a hurry ,offered me a lift ,I declined. I wanted a little exercise for my muscles besides the entertainment.Started a brisk walk.It was the usual street scene,the regular traffic pile up on the H1,kids at the park sweating out on their soccer practice,teenage guys working on thier skateboard moves,Korean women selling hand made quilts, homeless people finding thier spot and settling in for the day,joggers jogging with determination to make it that extra mile, a wall mart employee returning home after her shift ,long line of 'mommys' and kids in their SUVs for after school treats at the MacDonald's drive through ,chinese/korean/philippino grandmothers with thier shopping cart piled with stuff from Daie( the best supermarket to get all kinds of east-asian grocery items), the "wherever you look they are there" flock of Japanese tourists with their huge designer shopping bags chattering animatedly , a deranged man trying to cut across a busy road ,and many such sights re-ensuring that life simply goes on ------boring or not.

Anyway, I am back home ,and back to square one . * Scratch my head* *yaaaaaaawn*...what do I do now?? How about some blogging!?!?

The things I want and want to do:-

get a job and be independent.*sigh*
do my best for jr.
trek across Mongolia.
live in a shack on a Tibetan Plateau .
put R through Eng College.
be a good friend to M and S
go on a road trip with V.
own a loft in New York.( one of those million dollar dreams!!lol)
attend a rock concert
tell Eric Clapton that I love him.
be married to Eddie Veddar for a day.
find out how caviar tastes.
smoke weed and get stoned.
save Planet Earth.
get an MS in Environmental Science
join UNEP
meet The Dalai Lama.
color a few strands of my hair blue
pierce my left eyebrow
get a temporary tattoo,and if I liked it get a permanent one.*Chicken*
buy all the books and music cds I want .
help and support K
unmarry (lol!)
camp out by a river on a cool,moonlit ,starry night.
backpack across Europe with M and S.
own a pair of cool red nike shoes.
write a book and get it published and win a Booker (overambitious me!!)
watch the midnight sun at Eagle Summit (Alaska).
spend some time with you.

I know there are more…but this is all I can remember now.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Rainy day,Beatles,Friends and Family

It’s a nice cloudy day today. I am tired of the sun. For a change the sun is hiding behind the clouds. There is a gentle breeze and a slight drizzle.It might rain more later. Cant wait. Rain always makes me feel happy and lighthearted.

Here’s the song for the day:

Come away with me on a bus
Come away where they can't tempt us
With their lies
I want to walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high
So won't you try to come
Norah Jones


Concert for George (as in George Harrison)is back on TV. Watched it....Enjoyed it!!!!
Here's a slice of it.


Its the song: My Sweet Lord

Hm, my lord (hallelujah)My, my, my lord (hare krishna)
My sweet lord (hare krishna)My sweet lord (krishna krishna)
My lord (hare hare)Hm, hm (gurur brahma)
Hm, hm (gurur vishnu)Hm, hm (gurur devo)
Hm, hm (maheshwara)My sweet lord (gurur sakshaat)
My sweet lord (parabrahma)My, my, my lord (tasmayi shree)
My, my, my, my lord (guruve namah)My sweet lord (hare rama)

Now try to imagine this song being sung in the Royal Albert Hall by Billy Preston (lead singer) Eric Clapton, Ringo Star ,Paul Macartney and few other big-wigs (I am not familiar with them *sorry*) accompanied by a complete orchestra,both Western and Indian and the entire audience singing along .......*GOOSEBUMPS*
There was Ravi Shankar and Anoushka Shankar as well.Neat!

Eric Clapton and Paul Macartney sang While my guittar gently weeps. Oh Man!! I felt high...floating in the heavens!

May I present a piece of the song:

I don't know why nobody told you
how to unfold you love
I don't know how someone controlled you
they bought and sold you
I look at the world and I notice it's turning
While my guitar gently weeps
With every mistake we must surely be learning
Still my guitar gently weeps

The concert ended with a beautiful song by Joe Brown strumming his Ukulele(Hawaiian guittar) and tons of yellow and orange petals falling off from the heaven above( err--the ceiling of RAHall) . It was worth dedicating myself for straight three hours of TV watching and twisting and jiving.

Talked with R .It was the usual goofy conv. It never changes until one of us says something that royally upsets or pisses off the other . Today I guess it was my turn to be upset but I can bet all the money in the bank that our pal R is completely unaware of it.*Sigh* Certain things in life is better left undiscussed!

Talked with V too.Barely talked actually.He would type a line and disappear for long and then suddenly make an appearance and send a msg saying “hey you seem very busy today”.*Sigh* Again one of those things that is better left undiscussed.

Got calls from home. Eeveryone upset that I am not reachable. Phone is always off the hook.*guilty but not guilty*. Internet my lifeline,for without you I am lifeless!

Highlight of the Day:

Jr finished his “Awards Chart For Being A Respectful and A Responsible Student”.Got a prize for it and is thrilled to bits .Good Job Kiddo!!

Love ,Heartaches and Bittersweet Journeys

I have decided not to express love to anyone anymore,except to jr.I have decided not to expect love anymore. I used to be very expressive about love before ,never could keep it a secret for too long ,and thought everybody was liberal with giving their love too. But everytime I have had a bad surprise . I am tired of unpleasant surprises now. All those past experiences have hurt me. All the hurt has sunk in deep, its settled in and grown roots and occupies a corner of my heart.I don’t think about it often now. It rarely surfaces or makes an appearance. It leaves me alone and I leave it alone most of the time. I have even learnt to mask it well,incase it made an unexpected appearance. I have pushed away “love” to the background of my emotions , infact beyond the background.It has squeezed out through the background and gone ,floating aimlessly somewhere in a dark void.I doubt if I’ll ever capture it. I feel free and relaxed.I sport a happy face, clown around , pass a silly comment here and there, make people laugh or atleast try and bring a smile to their faces, get serious at times and talk about the bigger issues in life, get pissed off, get irritated ,sport a happy face again, cook and clean ,talk with K, think about stuff that I need to do, should be doing and want to do. That feels pretty normal to me .Well, it is. I have my friends whom I talk to ,there is you in my life ,not reachable ,but there ,which is all I need, and there is Jr and K who are nice to me .So far everything seems working fine. Actually the logic is pretty simple.Its overcoming desires.I had this excessive desire to love and be loved .I don’t know the reason.Maybe I wasn’t breast fed as a child.(what say Freud?) But I feel I have overcome that desire .Ok maybe not completely but partially .The rest I guess my paranoia takes care . It blocks my desires from cropping up .lol I read somewhere(actually in somebody’s blog) that “you are only as good as your past allows you to be. The past means nothing if you don’t learn from it”. My past has been a bittersweet journey and I have learnt a lot from it and it has made me what I am today. Anyway as long as I have a tomorrow, I have a today and soon my today will become my tomorrow’s past and as this cycle continues, my life’s bittersweet journey continues and my evolution continues too.Hopefully in the process I’ll overcome my weaknesses too and become truly empowered. Fingers Crossed!!Thats it.I wonder what Osho has to say about all this. Probably he doesn’t approve.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Dilemmas and Friendships

I called you today.I wish I had not called .I am so happy I called. I sound confused. What is this hold you have on me? What is this spell you have on me? What is this magic you have on me?I wish you could explain it to me.I wish I could figure it out myself.

I am hearing your voice after a long time. I didnt want to hear your voice. You asked me to call and I made some lame attempts at excuses.As usual you said something and left, left me with my conflicting thoughts--"should I or should I not".I wanted to hear your voice (howI :like" your voice).I also didnt want to hear your voice ,for I was scared it would weaken me further.After all the dilemmas ,an hour later I am talking to you.You wanted to know what is it about you that I "like"(although love is the word ,using it would be opening pandora's box) about you. I know I didnt do a very good job of explaining . Maybe it was just nerves ,or maybe I felt listing it would make it seem very ordinary and predictable. Actually I dont have a list of "things I like about you". There is no need for a list.I like everything about you. I have never experienced anything as insane and incomprehensible as this feeling I have for you.I "like" you yet I hate to "like"you like this.

There are times when your simple ,insignificant gestures has given me endless joy,there are even more times when you words and actions have made me cry from endless hurt.No one has made me cry more than you,I swear.So what is it about you? I should hate you from the depth of my heart,I should wipe your memory from my life in every possible way,I should ignore you and leave you "unliked" and undesired. So what is it about you?I cannot stop "liking" you.I dont want anything from you .I dont even feel the need to be "liked " by you. I just need the freedom to "like " you. I want to say what I feel for you is unconditional,but I cant. I cant,because I cant let go off you completely.I want to feel your presence.I want to know you are there somewhere living and "liking".I want to know you are doing well,I want to know you are healthy and happy. I cant let go off you completely,for I have to know.

********************************
******************************************
***************************************************
R was online. We had the usual goofy talk.Discussed everything from music to why we are as Shrek says" One of a kind". Must have been geniouses in our past lives ,to be reborn-seriously deranged this life.*Sigh*.He continues to be obsessed with -----(u know wat it is -right R? ) and tanned long legged lasses.Hope all your dreams come true-sooooooon.
*Big Sigh*

Had a chat with V (madmax). Always a pleasure and absolute fun. He is back from his second trip( a week's gap) from his "paradise on earth"-Kakkabe.Asked him if he payed respect to Mother Nature.Said he got sloshed with his buddies.Thats how he paid his respects.

Its his dream to buy some land there ,have his own litlle shack,do some farming and get stonned, sloshed and laid occassionally. ( sorry V in case u dont approve of the order ) *grin*
Told me he has found some land there.Trying to raise money for that.Hope u get to live your dream in ishtyle. Wish I could help out with some dough---but you know mah status--as poor as a kitchen mouse. Gud Luck buddi.


Conversation of the Day:
Me : Go to madnapilli during winter.Its spectacular,awesome...........better than sex!!
Reply : so,how will be sex in Madnapilli during winter?
Me: * scratch my head*................ lets change the topic.


Got M's offlines.She is finally leaving for London on 23rd. Fantastic girl!! No body is more thrilled than I am. You should have left long back. I really dont understand why u kept postponing your trip.
Heard from M that A and her hubby Z is back home for Z's treatment. I pray he gets well soon . Will try to be with you soon A .Till then, hang in there and remember our prayers are with you and your little girl.

La Fin.

Monday, March 07, 2005

A Tribute

Sometime last year I met this really nice guy V. Our meeting was under odd circumstances which I do not care to explain *appologetic looks*.We hit it off pretty well I would say.Found a few things in common that we are obsessed about (the great love for the outdoors for one).Anyway here we are almost a year since that chance encounter, good friends ,sharing unrealistic dreams, weird ideas, strange dislikes and likes and plenty other eccentricities.

To this friend I owe big time ,for he did me the biggest favour without the faintest idea on the impact it will have on me.He introduced me to Rock Music!!!!! YUP!! Till then I used to think rock was crazy stuff, a bunch of stoned guys's idea of music--loud, out of tune music with words and abuses screamed out occassionally.....on the whole waste of some good energy!!!And those who spent time listening to rock where even bigger L.*can here crowd booing*... *Sigh* I know I know---but I was ignorant! *embaressed helpless looks*.

Anyway I have come pretty far from being an ignorant idiot to a great admirer of Rock music. I now look upon it and the SO VERY talented and BRILLIANT artists with great reverance .

As a small tribute to some of my fav Rockers I have posted some cool lines ( my fav lines) from their songs:


Know me broken by my master
Teach thee on child of love hereafter

(Would- AIC)

Am I wrong?
Have I run too far to get home?
Have I gone?
And left you here alone?
(Would -AIC)
The weapons you're using are hurting me bad.
But someday you're going to retreat.
Cause my love baby is the truest you've ever had.
A soldier of love that's hard to beat.
Lay down your arms and surrender to me.
Lay down your arms and love me peacefully
(Soldier Of Love: Pearl Jam)
I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life, I know you’ll be a star
In somebody else’s sky, but why
Why, why can’t it be, why can’t it be mine
(Black: Pearl Jam)
Oh where, oh where can my baby be?
The Lord took her(him) away from me.
She's (He's)gone to heaven so I've got to be good,
So I can see my baby when I leave this world
(Last Kiss:Pearl Jam)
There's a sign on the wall but she wants to be sure
And you know sometimes words have two meanings
In the tree by the brook there's a songbird who sings
Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven
Woe oh oh oh oh oh
And she's buying a stairway to heaven
(Stairway to Heaven: Led Zepalin)
To find a queen(king) without a king(queen),
They say she (he)plays guitar and cries and sings... la la la
Ride a white mare in the footsteps of dawn
Tryin' to find a woman(man) who's
never, never, never been born.
Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams,
Telling myself
it's not as hard, hard, hard as it seems.
(Going to California-Led Zepalin)


Tell me you love me,
Come back and haunt me,
Oh, when I rush to the start.
(The Scientist: Cold Play)

And there are many many more.The lyrics are inspiring,the music is incredible. This is the kind of music that comes from the heart and goes to the heart. I am also more convinced than ever that finding V and talking to him and becoming friends had something to do with divine intervention.I hope to meet him someday in person.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

A Glimpse.

Today , officially,I have crossed three weeks of blocked nose ,irritating cough ,sleepless nights etc etc.. and I have had ENOUGH!!!!! . So I finally decided to go meet my Doc.-Dr Brian O’Conner.(Physician).A young (30ish), bespectacled , serious yet warm and friendly guy.
I have been avoiding hospital, doc and antibiotics like a mouse avoids a cat *rolls eyes* ,but three straight nights without any sleep made me throw all my resolutions and “avoidings” out of the window.
I go armed with my insurance card, determined to take care of this nasty intruder that just refuses to leave my body. The nurse(what a sweet kind lady) escorts me inside, checks my weight, height, temp, and BP. Everything perfect except the temp. Asked me what the problem was, managed to cough out most of it…got a very sympathetic ear from her, offered me extra tissues and a mask to allow me to cough freely *gives grateful looks*. After a short wait, I was escorted to the doc’s examining room. She made me comfortable, offered me a chair, a magazine (Gourmet Food and Wine) “??” * confused but thankful looks*, and tells me the doc will be with me in a couple of mins. As soon as she leaves ,I dump Gourmet Food and Wine and pick People. Within seconds I am engrossed in the private lives of the Starlets of Hollywood , on how they are just like us-ordinary folks leading or trying to lead ordinary lives ,with the slight difference that they have some millions stacked here and there. I read , stuffed nose, sore throat, irritating cough all forgotten and can feel only sadness for Brad and Jen’s unexpected split, joy for Cameron diaz’s and Justin timberlake’s deep love for each other, happy for the birth of Julia robert’s twin babies, drool over all the beautiful looks and clothes they wear , and don’t know what to feel for the Bachelorette’s sob story ,who inspite of doing the second season for the show ,was not successful in finding her perfect mate.*rolls my eye*.

(For all the folks out there who have no clue what I am talking about: The Bachelorette, is a show where this single elligible lady is wooed by some two dozen elligible bachelors [picked from thousands of applicants across the country and some even from Europe]and every week she sends somebody home with an apology and a peck on his cheek and at the end after all the systematic elimination she is left with two guys having THE max potential of becoming her husband. And she can pick one and sent the other home. By this time the two guys are ready to kill for her!!---yup yup ---it’s the new reality show in town. There is also the gals wooing a guy version .and its called The Bachelor.)

Suddenly a vision in white enters the room. Its my Doc!! Finally!!! I abandon hollywood dreams and "insult to normal intelligence " reality shows and get up.He reads my name from my file (full name) , screws up the pronunciation royally, and I shake his hand and repeat my name(social etiquettes folks and indirectly a hint on how to actually pronounce my name). * grin*.
Anyway, formalities aside, I hop on to the examining table .We have a detailed exchange on my present frail condition, he examines my throat, nose and listens to my chest, asks me of all the home remedies and off the counter drugs that I played doc with and prescribes the wonder drugs that would set me on my path to recovery. I specifically asked for a cough syrup that would knock me out at night and he obliged. After saying a courteous thank you, the nurse bought me the forms and print out of the prescription and I went down to the pharmacy to get my drugs. Ok now for the dramatic part.When I handed over my prescription to the lady at the “Order Here” counter, she asked me for a valid photo id .I was surprised. Couldn’t understand what the hell was the problem?? I mean I don’t look like a small kid to be wandering alone, I wasn’t buying alcohol, I was only buying drugs prescribed by the doc from the same hospital!!! She then explained to me that the cough syrup the doc prescribed has meth and alcohol in it whic causes drowsiness. It should be taken only under extreme caution. No driving in public,no handling of dangerous jobs,and no excessive consumption lol!. In other words its a controlled drug and a valid photo id is a legal requirement!!

Point noted ,I said I didn’t have any id with me right then(don’t have a driver’s license form here yet) , said I will be back and went home .I took my passport(My Passport: For Travel and A Life Saver!!)*bows with respect* ,went back to the hospital ,signed some papers,and bought the medicine (Phew!! so many formalities to buy a cough syrup!! Can u beleive it??)..On the way back, I went to the supermarket and got some stuff for the house(boring groceries folks…Bhaaa!!) and finally went home.

Now in case any of you are wondering what all this rambling was about…well, nothing in particular,I just offered a glimpse into my life and how I spent half my day today. * grin---turning into stupid grin—turning into no grin* .Ok that was a “no brainer” I admit.

*Sigh* *Ywaaaaaaaaaaan*……*WIDE GRIN* that’s the cough syrup doing its magic folks .Today I get a good nights sleep after all…………………………I hope so. *nervous laugh*

G’nig…….zzzzzzzzzz

Saturday, March 05, 2005


Heaven On Earth

Dil kya kare jab kisiko kisi se pyar ho jaaye

Old, lovely ,wonderful,beautiful songs........God!!! how I hate them. hmm..* scratch my head*...doest that sound like a paradox.

ok let me try to explain this.

How I enjoy a song would depend on the the mood I am in or how my life is treating me at the moment.Right now,I am listening to all these songs and wishing someone had banned them.They are so unhealthy for the human soul who is trying to lead a very "mundane but fine with it","nothing affects me anymore" kind of existance.I mean ,come on ,life plain and simple is tough enough,becos lord knows there are so many temptations around you.So,now you have these incredibly romantic words sung in the most awesomely ,incredible voice anyone can ever have (may I present the one and only great great Kishorekumar!)*applause everybody*...thank u thank u..) ...and it takes me to a place where everything seems perfect ,nothing out of place, i feel like loving and I feel loved ,I feel happy ,I feel bliss .....hmmmmmmm* long SIGH*...and suddenly the song is over.There u go.............. come crashing back to planet earth:-real life,studio appartment,unemloyed for a yr, losing hair,not in the best of health,and oh did I mention no love life whatsoever!.

I can hear many of u reading this going "well ,nobody asked u to listen to them"..I know that ..
but I cant do without these songs.Am I in some kind of an abusive relationship??

I rest my case for the day.

Friday, March 04, 2005

Woes of a Flu Victim

I am sick of being sick.Entering third week of bad cough,blocked nose , about 10kg wght on my head and a fluctuating body temp.Doesnt sound very complicated--I know...but nobody wants to be in my shoes right now...trust me.The last couple of days has been especially bad.The restless soul that I am,I have spent almost every min in my bed under my sheets.
Havent cared much about whats happening around,ignored some precious friends,unchecked and unanswered emails, phone off the hook ( i actually connect it to the net even if I am not using it.Once connected AOL msgr pops up and I see a couple of my buddies online.I can watch them from my bed actually.I see them coming and going--their away and return status etc etc..they call it ciggy breaks and nicotine beckoning !!..yea yea they are on some kind of suicide pact and no they are not illiterate...Sigh!! I am particularly concerned about one .... Will have to dedicate one whole new blog if I start talking about him....so leave it.Anyway its always great to see them all online..becos it gives me the feeling that there are some people around the house....sounds weird!).anyway coming bak 2 my original point ---no music ,no movies ,no books!!jus didnt have the energy for any of this.
So this was my close to pathetic state,when I decided to msg my friend.And he did something magical.He send across a couple of lines from an old hind song--Oh Sathi re--tere bhi nabhi kya jeena(from the movie Muqaddar ka sikandar..sung by Kishore and also by Asha).I was actually pissed off at him becos when I called him earlier ,I thought he hung up on me,although I realized later that there was some problem with the conection.Hmm..anyway I forgave him almost instantly.I mean it was a kishore kumar song ---his songs would bring a smile on your face even if u are dying a terrible death.
Then i get a msg from another friend and he thinks I am ignoring him completely and called me the "great avoider".Sigh!!!...what ever happened to compassion and sympathy and phrases like are u fine,get well soon , I understand etc etc.I didnt have the energy to pick a fight with him..so told him I am feeling sick and that I am going back to sleep and wished him a great weekend. Now I am sure I have become the "great avoider with an attitude"!!

anyway thanks to Kishore Kumar who brought some light into my otherwise dull day...and he sings...O saathii re, tere binaa bhii kyaa jiinaa.....
hmmm...I can simply die....I am dead!!

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Starting Trouble..

A friend suggested that I try blogging sometime back but I was very reluctant then.I have heard a lot about blogging,but it had not captured my interest untill I wandered into some blogs posted by some very talented,humorous bloggers(is there a term like this?what else do u call people who blog?). I am a convert now...well ,almost.I've decided to give this a try,so here I am!

Ahem...this is my first day...kinda blank----dont know what to type--
Not an unpardonable offence in the blog world i hope...its just...u know... nerves..first day to school syndrome.Gees!I am already making excuses-*embaressed expression*.
Probably tomorrow will be a better day..